After bearing my soul (ok, a small part of it) to a dear friend who is older and wiser (not OLD and wise, just a bit older) she strongly suggested I share some thoughts about something personal that happened this week.
I value my friendship with her, and I trust her advice, so here goes.
I lost a (different) friend this week, to what I would call a terminal disease; that is
life, and all it's trivialities. Its busyness, its change, and its seasons.
There are so many things that I have felt over this.
Part of me was relieved.
Part of me felt like I had let myself down by not being honest when the first signs of resentment started showing, but the other part of me wondered how I had managed to not be aware of checking in with the friend, and seeing how she was doing.
I didn't know, because I wasn't told, but mostly because I think stopped asking.
I let this one slide, because I honestly think I thought it was in the too hard basket.
Some things used to be so easy, and it had become such, that it was no longer easy.
That out loud, sounds terrible. If it was a marriage, you wouldn't just throw it away when it got too hard...
But thats how it felt. Too hard. Little niggles of annoyance here and there, building up, so that faced with the prospect of having to talk about these things, I would rather skulk into the corner and not deal with it.
I feel that this makes me a coward.
I am, in this situation, prepared to wear that hat.
Seasons change, and people move, ebb and flow.
This was the case, as it was happening naturally.
But it doesn't stop the fact that I should have been braver.
It wouldn't make for a better outcome necessarily, but it would make me a better person.
These are lessons that I am taking notes on.
Everyday things will always have some wisdom in them if you are prepared to look...
We may never be able to be the same again,
and I acknowledge that in my apparent apathy towards the relationship, I have caused serious hurt, from which I will ask forgiveness from God.
Relationships should never have to be a contest over who puts in the most effort.
It should be that when you are invested in that relationship, it doesn't even seem like effort.
Distance shouldn't be the issue.
Letting go of the little things should be a priority.
But here I am.
Minus one friend, who at one point in my life, meant damn near everything.
And I have to make peace with myself for my part, and let go of the things that hurt me.
Bidding farewell, and peace. For I would always wish her well, and hope that she finds the answers to the questions that have plagued her spirit.
What else to do?.........